A new gem

So it is almost February and this time of year is most dreary! I have not written in a long time but here is something new. It does not have a title as of yet, feel free to offer suggestions!


You do not hold me tightly
Pressing in upon me
Your love, needed
So desperately  
Your passive passions
Speak whisperingly, of
One who does not feel
Any care or concern
Your heart does not deeply burn    
You meander through life
With never a worry    
No eye fixed
Upon a dearest prize
A willow the wisp
A fair thee weather
Comprehending not
The shadow
Nor its cure

Life is a Rose Garden

When I was about 12 or 13 years old my Dad said to me "Life is no rose garden" to which I replied "Yes it is, there are just lots of thorns". Sometimes I wish I had never said that, 

I hear it repeated back to me, ALOT!!! 

Some rose garden are perfectly manicured

And some are a hot mess!!!

I've come to realize that metaphorically as well as in reality an unmanicured rose garden tends to be more thorny!! I love roses. I love how they look, smell, feel, I love their plethora of symbolism and all their varieties. I do not like how I cannot grow them, when they die, or their thorns (especially the metaphoric ones!). My life is definitely an unmanicured rose garden!! And just as I have tried to grow roses, my efforts to manicure my life do not blossom. My obstacle course seems riddled with thorns and with blossoms few and far between. 

Of course I realize this is for my eternal benefit, 

I am just getting used to the idea of 

sleeping in a briar patch!

Home Sweet Home

A New Gem

I have done a lot of spiritual growing this week. I have been asking why much lately and a wise man told me that is a bad question. I believed him, and in most instances he is probably right, however I do not have a normal brain. My subconscious kept plaguing me, not in a whiny way but more insistent like I was slow and it wanted me to understand something. This is what I learned;

My life has been specifically designed, engineered if you will, so that I may learn those things that are critical for me specifically to know, understand, become, so that I can progress to the next level, ascend, become exalted. That is what this earth is for so that we can all learn what we need to. I do not feel that makes God cruel. I feel it is more like tough love, it must be hard for Him to watch us suffer knowing that if He interferes he robs us of the opportunity to learn, grow, and stand on our own eventually. As a parent I can relate as I try to let my children learn from there own mistakes or navigate their own hardships that my own interference would only diminish their ability to deal with in the future. I appreciate the opportunity He gives me to succeed or fail upon my own merits, it will make the prize truly my own someday! I am grateful for the comfort, council, and succor He gives me so that I can continue onward. For occasionally carrying me until I can walk again and then letting me try that problem again until I can master it on my own feet but always with His encouraging support on the sidelines. This life wasn't meant to be a paradise, ideal or easy. It is a proving ground! In Star Trek season 1 episode 4 the Enterprise encounters an E.M. anomaly it affects two crew members
who have strong ESP factors, their abilities grow
and develop quickly, they become godlike in power
but have not developed the strength of character to wield that
power. Oh Mr. Roddenberry how truly insightful you were!!!

So in light of my new understanding which has alleviated the anger, frustration and futile feelings, but not the sadness or fatigue, I have written a new poem which I think is a Gem! Please help me name it.

Everest is a long way up,
The Ocean floor a long way down,
Kolob is beyond my ken,
And the end of now,
I don't know when,
Fatigue lingers in every cell,
And I long for a dipper into that well,
Bring me strength and vitality,
Bring me a light for eternity,
I know I'll go on,
I'll make that climb
Lend me endurance,
To walk the line.

A New Leaf

So on the heals of my last post I thought I would put peoples minds at ease by letting everyone know the PLAN. The PLAN, is how I have decided to go off my meds and what I have implemented in their place. I believe that someone like me cannot just go off meds without going on others or doing something proactive to fulfill the hole that the absence of the meds is creating. I'm not stupid, and I put a lot of research and thought into what I'm doing! By the way the answer to yesterday's quiz: 20 side effects (12 exacerbated fibro symptoms and 8 brand new cymbalta ones!) no one won too bad!!! Oh and I called my doctor and talked to the assistant and she is impressed, she will talk to the doc, who will call if there is a serious problem, but doesn't think she will. However I am also counting on you, my friends and family to watch and monitor my behavior, and keep it real, and honest!!

The PLAN

eat better (done a lot of research, incl. what foods make depression worse!)

eating only at the table

exercise (going to do the shred)

walking

meditate (made easier because I have my own pretty room now)

clean my house (basement is 3/4 of the way there)

prayer and scripture study (one needs to be balanced with their beliefs)

more sleep

vitB in the morning

vitD w/ calcium and magnesium at night (will assist sleep)

having a job doing what I like to do, and doing it out of the house helps too!

Spring helps too, the only good time to try this really!!!

purge my whole house!!!!

realize I can always watch STAR TREK over and over again!!!

Cymbalta how I hate thee, let me count the ways (contest details in red)

I have been suffering from many physical problems lately, which I find annoying, overwhelming and downright inconvenient. For some irrational reason I decided to see if one or two of these inconveniences may be a side effect of Cymbalta, the current antidepressant/fibromyalgia drug I have been taking. The fact that this winter I continued to have unmanageable depression had nothing to do with my disillusionment with it :/. What I found blew my mind! The fact that I suffer some of these ailments with my fibro does not negate the fact that the frequency, intensity and duration has increased in the last 6-12 months, or that the amount of problems actually related to the drug were staggering! I feel these findings are significant and so with a great deal of thought decided that now, it being spring, would be an optimal time to go off the cymbalta  and see what results. My side effects from going off the Cymbalta are full body electro shock therapy, general malaise, increased fatigue and nausea. For me the duration that I experience this, is important; a long period but not as intense as I wean myself off of it, or a short but intense time as I go cold turkey. I prefer short! However as I sat through the last episode of Star Trek that has been made to date, with tears streaming down my face, I wonder if this is wise or if I am a serious trek fanatic!

Here is the list of side effects, can you guess how many I have? The winner gets chocolate! and a Star Trek poster!! ( Oh and of that number there are a few side effects that are new and not simply fibro symptoms exacerbated by the cymbalta )

Common Side Effects of Cymbalta

Cymbalta has been studied thoroughly in clinical trials in which the side effects of a group of people taking the drug are documented and compared to another group not taking the drug
As a result, it is possible to see what side effects occur, how often they appear, and how they compare to the group not taking the medicine.

In these studies, the most common side effects of Cymbalta included: (I did not note any effects pertaining to men)

1. Nausea -- occurring in up to 25%
2. Dry mouth -- in up to 15%
3. Headaches -- in up to 14%
4. Drowsiness -- in up to 12%
5. Fatigue -- in up to 11%
6. Dizziness -- in up to 10%
7. Insomnia -- in up to 10% 
8. Constipation -- in up to 10%
9. Diarrhea -- in up to 10%
10. Loss of appetite -- in up to 9%
11. Sweating -- in up to 7 %
12. Abdominal pain -- in up to 6 %

Other common Cymbalta side effects (occurring in 2 to 5 %of people) included:

13. Vomiting
14. Sore throat or runny nose
15. A decreased sex drive
16. Upper respiratory tract infection
17. Coughing
18. Shakiness (tremors)
19. Muscle pain
20. Sexual side effects, including a decreased sex drive (libido), and orgasm problems
21. Blurred vision
22. Anxiety or agitation
23. Weight loss or weight gain
24.  Hot flashes
25. Yawning
26. Indigestion or heartburn
27. Muscle spasms
28. The flu
29. Abnormal dreams

Cymbalta Side Effects to Report

There are a number of possible side effects with Cymbalta that you should report to your healthcare provider. These include, but are not limited to:

30. Suicidal thoughts or behavior
31. Anxiety, agitation, or panic attacks
32. Hostility or aggressiveness
33. Engaging in unusual or dangerous activities
34. Restlessness or inability to sit still
35. Extreme elation or feelings of happiness that may switch back and forth with a depressed or sad mood
36. Other unusual changes in behavior
37. Signs of serotonin syndrome (a rare but dangerous problem associated with certain medications) such as:

1. Confusion or other mental changes
2. A rapid heart rate
3. Nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea
4. Hallucinations
5. Blood pressure changes
6. An irregular heart rhythm
7. Overactive reflexes
8. Fever, sweating, or shivering
9. Shakiness
10. Agitation
11. Seizures
12. Coma

38. Low blood sugar (hypoglycemia)
39. Chest palpitations
40. Difficulty passing urine
41. Signs of an allergic reaction, including an unexplained rash, hives, itching, unexplained swelling, wheezing, or difficulty breathing or swallowing.

The sun is shining!!!!!

Today dawned brighter than it has for awhile around here. Truth be told it was actually overcast but I woke feeling different. They say it has to get worse before it gets better, and Monday was worse for sure and today is definitely better!!! Sometimes we just don't realize (obvious though they may be) the things we are doing to hurt ourselves. When you're stuck in a rut spinning your wheels isn't going to help, you need to get out and do something different. For me, wallowing in my "nest" is very comfortable and self destructive! I don't have any comfy furniture outside of my bed. I don't really like that but it's probably for the best, I really should keep busy to keep those blues away!! I hope the sun stays longer than just a few days it really needs to melt and dry up around here!

this is what we've got

this is what I want 

I Hate Chinooks

So apparently it wasn't spring it was a Chinook. For those of you who don't know what a Chinook is, it is a very warm wind that comes through melts alot and generally makes weather conditions spring like. Most people like them for the wonderful reprieve they bring. I HATE them! I hate them for the false hope they bring and the despair that follows. Many times after a Chinook leaves plants will die because they are fooled into thinking it is spring and begin to grow or flower or the sap will begin to run and then the Chinook ends and a horrible cold snap sets in and everything dies. Have you ever heard the horrible sound of a tree exploding from the cold?

Broken

It can bear the cold no more

It has wept dry silent tears

The tree shudders in the wind

Breaks from within

Containing the pain no longer

The rending tear

Is echoed across the distance

-2005-

The Depression that set in after my Chinook was worse than before. It is horrible. I have always had a part of me that has clung to life. The desire to travel and see the world, to watch my children grow and be a part of their lives, to have the dream of living on a farm. to do those few things I always thought unique and interesting. That part of me is almost gone, faded away in the grey mists of my despair, or drowned in the deep sorrow of a life that has too much overwhelming stress to be able to tread the waters that weary me. I am tired, I want to sleep and never wake. I find it hard to care anymore, I have no idea what makes me do the few things that I still do, although I feel like vomiting when I do them. I find human interaction extremely uncomfortable, it makes me want to rip the nerves out of my skin. So perhaps this insight into me when I am not happy will explain some of my darker poetry.